It's been a while. I feel as if I've almost forgotten what I sound like.
A lot has changed in the past two, almost three years. I am on a different career path. We have settled into the New York life. We have been and are raising a dog.
Nowadays, whenever I think of the future - of the engagement, of the wedding, of the responsibilities that will come with raising children, learning and coping with the reality of continuing relationships with my parents, I am stricken with panic.
There's a huge part of me that just doesn't want to continue. I am exhausted. I have been exhausted. I'm sprouting white hairs left and right. I don't think it's because I've been unhappy that I am stressed about the future.
12 years ago when I was a freshman in college, I didn't picture this reality in front of me. I got out of the cage. I was free. The future looked much brighter.
What I didn't realize and was slow to acknowledge was the kinds of responsibility that time would bring. Now that I see them looming in front of me, and the endlessness of each responsibility that might forever change who I am when I've just grown accustomed to myself!
The certainty that I feel towards the future scares me.
I am only 4 years away from the age at which pregnancy becomes risky for both the woman and her baby. But before that, I need to make sure that we are settled. I know I don't wish to waddle down the "aisle" with a big belly. And it takes about a year to plan and have a wedding. 9 months to have the child.
Our lives have changed so dramatically already by having a dog. All decisions involve considerations for her welfare... to imagine having a child!
These things are so mundane, so banal.
What would I give to just have everything stay as is? My work, having leisure time to read, enjoying nights out with friends whenever I want?
